If you are reading this, please take note of the following:
1. Mom: NO, I AM NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP.
2. Church mates: NO, I AM NOT IN A MU TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP. Please don’t judge.
3. Kids: YES, I AM NOT A GOOD EXAMPLE.
Now that I’ve cleared that up, let’s move on.
So there’s this person that I just met recently. L’s nickname came from the last name. I found it cute.
L asked for my number. I thought it was weird to text with L. But L has a great sense of humor. L makes a lot of sense. L is smart, and I feel like I should bring a dictionary around because we hold our conversations in English. So L practically got me hooked.
I wasn’t thinking much about it, but apparently, L is a worry-er and tends to over-analyze. So L kept asking questions about the future – questions I haven’t thought much of yet; questions I was not ready to answer.
So I found myself in a situation that I could not erase. I woke up one day feeling constricted, and wondering how, when or why it started. I hit on the replay button, but all I could remember was that I answered yes to a question. Today is the only time that I regret saying yes. It felt happier before we even decided to put a label to it. And the consequence is L’s total domination over my life.
For the past year, I have learned to love the routine I have created for myself while getting ready for work. I love my personal peace and quiet from the long commute to work – how I could text random people, reminding them of schedules; how I could plan my things to do in my head; how I could listen to music and practically shut everyone off (including that noisy ale who is having a bad day). For the past year, I have learned to love my job, and the space and time that I have for myself – of how I could just sit in front of the computer, earphones plugged, with concentration, and not talk to anyone for 8 straight hours. I have learned to write small notes when ideas flood my head.
You see, L, when you call me in the morning, it breaks my routine. I was late for work yesterday because you insisted that we “spend more time together”. You don’t know how thankful I am that you had to do something while I was on the way to work. Can you imagine the horror-stricken look on my face when you told me you were planning to accompany me while I was on the train? Also, there’s this thing that we call work, which in turn gives us money so we could pay the bills. How am I supposed to work when you text every so often, and you request – no, demand – that I reply as soon as possible because you are impatient? And, as if all the bombarding text messages were not enough, you called me, and you told me of your plan of having me on the phone until lunch break. When asked if you still want me to keep my job, you nonchalantly answered, “Oh, you can type while speaking, can’t you?” When I failed to answer your calls because, hell yeah, I was working, you sent me a mail saying, “Are you too busy to pick up? Is your phone that far from you?” You hate my late-night meetings, you hate my job, you don’t want me to sleep after a long day because that’s gonna drive you crazy missing me.
L, you are everywhere! You are insane. I could not get away from you fast enough. I did not sign up for this, and neither did you. Why are you making both of our lives miserable? You just made me realize that I love my time and space more than I respect you, L. And no, that does not mean this would lead to something romantic. If this is your idea of relationship, I wish to pack my bags for the next bus to Baguio. Or not.
So L, babe, I don’t want to hurt you. You wouldn’t want to know how I plan on telling you that I lost all of my phones and I don’t have enough money to buy new ones. Or how I was planning to stay offline for, say, a month. And you don’t want to find out how happy I am that we are not Facebook/Twitter/G+/Tumblr friends, and that you don’t know the link to this blog, right? I knew I did the right thing when I declined your offer of coming to my house so we could watch movies. For our sakes, just quit it, babe. I am not ready for the relationship that you are so willing to tie yourself into. I’m not even sure if I want to enter into any kind of relationship with you.
I wish I could say all of this to your face and walk away from it all. But apparently, everything about you spells complicated.