You have no idea how better life is without you

Dearest 2,

So you want to stay away and go with him instead. You were the one who made that choice. Please know that we won’t stick around and wait for you anymore, nor are we going to places to look for you. We just want to verify if you’re really where we think you are, or if you’re safe, or if you’re really with him. If all these are true, then we’ll stop looking for you. We’ll finally have peace of mind.

So here’s what we did since you left us:

1. We cried – natural reaction. I cried more knowing that you took things that you know are so important to me – my Jansport bag, iPod, money. I hope this gets to you: that money wasn’t even mine.

I wanted to have a Jansport bag since I was in first year highschool. Mom bought me a fake Jansport from Divisoria, but I was not satisfied with that. You don’t know how happy I was that I finally have the means to buy myself one. “Finally, a bag that I could use during mission trips and field works!” I thought to myself. It was actually something that I need, more than the want. And I was supposed to use that bag for our conference this weekend.

So mom said I could just consider that as my gift to you. She would just give me money to buy a new one. Thanks, mom.

We are going to sing for that conference this weekend. There are a lot of new songs. I feel deprived because I use my iPod to store new songs so I could learn them. Plus you don’t know how important She & Him songs are to me. I know you probably already sold it to the black market vendor at a really cheap prize. I hope you knew how much it’s worth. I hope you use the money to buy yourself food good for, well, as long as supplies last.

Just thankful that you didn’t take my Gucci bag. I am still paying for that.

2. We ate breakfast – like normal people. We talked about our crazy neighbor, Criminal Minds, the CLS. Anything but you.

3. We prepared my stroller bag for the conference – Mom even had it fixed at Mr. Quickie yesterday.

4. They went to SM – since we can’t leave the kids at home, they indulged their time and effort buying things for themselves at SM yesterday. Mom bought a new oven toaster and rice cooker.

5. We sent the mattress to the laundry – I slept at your bed. How comfortable! I have more pillows so Miguel and I slept like angels last night. My back didn’t hurt. We also have more space in our room. I was tempted to pack all your clothes so we could sell them at garage sales. I think I could use more space for my clothes. At least you could pay me back for all the money that you took from me, if we sell all your belongings.

6. Mom calls me often – seriously, I am liking all the attention. She has more attention for us, now that we don’t need to exert time and effort analyzing you. I am also liking all the money. We are planning to buy a new router, and we’re gonna have a new computer soon. Look at all the things that we could buy since we don’t have to spend on your psych sessions now. Imagine the money that we could save because we don’t have to pay for your college fees as well.

7. I was 3 hours late for work – and boy did I have a perfect excuse. I was also excused from doing so much work. “I have enough to deal with already,” my boss empathizes.

8. We’re going to Tagaytay this weekend – to celebrate Audie’s birthday. We’ll try to have fun without you. It’s Audie’s birthday, after all, not yours. So I think it is but fair that the attention should be given to him, not to you. Besides, it’s not his fault that you chose not to spend time with us on his birthday.

9. We woke up early to send the kids to school – don’t worry about the chores, they’re all covered.

10. We accepted that you are gone now – Dad’s words have a ring of finality in them. He has made a decision: “Accept the fact that she won’t come home anymore.” In fact, we stopped trying to call you or your boyfriend, so you don’t have to turn off your phone now. We stopped asking your friends if they saw you or know where you were going – thus still keeping our dignity. We don’t bother so much now. We are tired and hurt and resigned and we’ve given up. We’re now saving all our strength to make each other happy. At least we don’t have to stress ourselves every single day, thinking about you, making you happy, keeping you pre-occupied.

As far as I’m concerned, you’re good as dead for me.

Sometimes, I catch myself thinking: “I can’t wait to share this piece of information with you.”

These thoughts make me sad.

I still can’t understand why you left us, or what is out there that is more important than us, that you’re willing to give us up – just like that.

I pray every minute that you’re safe.

I pray to God that you find the happiness that you are looking for – 

the happiness that we weren’t able to give you.

There will always be a hole in my heart where you used to be.

2 thoughts on “You have no idea how better life is without you

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