The Waiting Game

I am 24 years old and I am single.

Yes, I am still young (and loving it!), but I am done fooling around. I’ve had soooo many mistakes before. Next time, I wanna make it right. Btw, this is my hopeful and idealistic self talking.

It is no secret that I am a product of a very bad break-up. The relationship was great, only the ending wasn’t. I have ranted (and ranted and ranted and ranted) a lot that I eventually got tired of my own story. I had a lot of what-ifs, I-shouldn’t-have-done-that, I-should’ve-been-this-and-that, etc. So anyway, it took me a really looong time to finally (totally) let go of the hurt, the anger, the longing, the memories and the feelings that go with each and every one of them, the things, the habits and the person. After almost 2 years, I can truly say that I have forgiven the person and, most importantly, I have forgiven myself. I don’t know why it took me so long. First I thought I needed closure (I needed explanation, I needed to see him so I could gauge my feelings, and a lot of other excuses). Then I blamed him for everything, which made me think that he needs to ask for forgiveness from me and all the people that got involved or hurt (which led me to believe in the true meaning and value of forgiveness: forgiving a person even though s/he did not ask for it).

So after settling my past issues (or my issues with my past), it is only but sensible to move on to the next step: Knowing what I want. To tell you honestly, I still do not know, but it’s okay (do not panic!)

So let’s move on to the stage where I am in right now: The waiting. (my gah, my intro was so lengthy no?) During this waiting time, there is nothing you need to do but to, uh, wait. Chill lang. I decided to document my progress until I reach my goal or destination: my vocation in life (knowing if I am for religious life, single blessedness or married life). I promise to be open to which of the three, although what I want is pretty perceptible.

So I obviously don’t have any clue as to what the answer might be right now, but for the past days, I have started doing one thing: praying the rosary daily. And this simple act led me to a lot of realizations/lessons:

  1. It clears my head, silences my mind and stills my heart. I tend to think a lot during my commute time. It is also one of the most stressful times of my day (imagine having close contact with a lot of sweaty, irritating, violent people daily). Praying helps me divert my attention to the things that makes me worry, makes me less aligaga (fretful) and puts my heart in peace. Besides, it’s a better use of my commute time.
  2. Not only does praying silence my mind, it also silences my mouth. Well, it is a better alternative than singing songs that only I could hear (with or without ipod, which kinda makes me look crazy in public), or talking to myself, or mumbling incessantly. Also, it keeps me from talking back to annoying people during commute time (see number 1) or giving witty and sarcastic retorts toward security guards, sales ladies, waiters, cashiers, etc.
  3. It makes me more patient and understanding of others’ shortcomings. Well, I already made it clear that I encounter a lot of annoying people everyday (see numbers 1 and 2). I realized that praying did not change the situation, only how I choose to react towards them. Like this morning, right after I have finished praying the rosary and I prayed to God to make me more patient and to teach me how to love. It is true when they say, “Be careful what you wish for”, because He gave me an opportunity to be patient! So I was literally next in line to ride the FX going to Tektite, when this lady came from nowhere and took my place. I wanted to make a comment about “me being big enough it’s impossible she didn’t notice I was there”, but I held it back and changed my thought into “baka sobrang late na niya at matatanggal na siya sa trabaho” (she must really be late and making it to the office asap will save her from getting fired).
  4. In relation to number 3, it is like checking or assessing yourself as well. Think of it this way: If you’re not ready for changes, then why bother praying in the first place? Let me tell you about that time when I was listening to praise songs on my iPod while riding a jeepney home, and my seatmate (not Filipino) told me to move my big ass so he could sit properly (sorry for the term, his words btw). In my mind, there is nothing else I wanted to do than cut all his afro hair and make better use of it as teddy bear stuffing. That is my palaban and UPian self – you know, not letting anybody get away with something, the importance of my opinion, fighting for myself, voicing out my feelings and rights as a woman, etc. In reality, since I was listening to praise songs, then it should at least have that effect on how I treat others. Nakakahiya naman kung pakinig-kinig pa ako ng praise songs tapos makikipag-away lang din pala ako. What’s the point? So I just let it go. Bahala na ang karma to run after him. At least I went home peaceful, instead of being annoyed and affected after what might have been a heated discussion with afro guy.
  5. Praying gives me hope. I heard from a sister in La Salette two years ago that Jesus would never be able to say no to His mother. Like that time when they attended the Wedding at Cana – they ran out of wine and Mary asked Him to perform a miracle. He wasn’t ready to reveal Himself just yet, but since it was His mother who insisted, He did it anyway. So letting Mary know my intentions gives me hope that someone else is praying for me, and Jesus won’t be able to say no to that.

All in all, I think the best thing that praying the rosary everyday has taught me is that it is changing me for the better without me putting so much effort into it. Changing was one of my goals during my waiting time. Heck, it is the point of it all! But I did not realize that a simple act such as praying the rosary would result into so much change. So for all the single ladies who are in this waiting game like me, I strongly suggest that you pray the rosary as well. It strengthens your faith, makes you a better person and makes the waiting all the more bearable.

Best of luck for the years of waiting to come!

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2 thoughts on “The Waiting Game

  1. You are still in the rebargaining stage. You’ll pass everything. Praying is a very good habit and it keeps you have a peace of mind and fall back to be the better person. Maturity comes to play in, better enjoy being single while supply last. You’ll meet the guy of your dreams, aside from me. Haha.

    P.S. : I’m sorry for not coming to your organize party in Q.C.

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