This is not my first time.
I am told I possess old eyes that sees things as if I know them like the back of my hand.
But as I look around, being someone who has experienced this before, my knees still turns to jello. My heart anxiously pumps blood to different directions of my body. My sweat glands have different ideas of confidence – oh, let’s pump you some sweet sugar here! I remember the sensation of falling, and at that moment, I feel panicked. I was afraid of falling more than hitting the ground. That moment, life punched me in the gut and snapped all the air out of my system.
That moment, I was helpless.
I wonder, “What has life got to offer?” I wonder, “Am I just passing life by? Is this how I should really live my life?” I wonder, “Where are all the rainbows, the sunshines, the butterflies? Where have all the laughter and coffee cups and hugs and happy songs gone to?” I checked my pockets, only to find them empty. Great. I wasn’t aware there is this thing called happiness shortage.
I walked and walked and ran away from I-don’t-even-remember-what for as fast as I could. Run, I did, but to which direction? Where am I going? What am I supposed to do? What do I want to do? I whimper – a sound of plea for help, wondering if someone out there could hear me through the silence.
That moment, I realized I am holding on to something as small as a mustard seed. So tiny, in fact, that I had to squint through the darkness to be able to properly see it. I had a hard time seeing it, alright, but I can feel it, and it’s there. I know it’s there, because there is a tugging sensation in my stomach. A warm feeling in my heart. Alas, it is hope.
I hang on to it with desperation and loneliness and emotions I could not even name.
I walked further down the road. Not with my arms before me to protect me from getting hurt, ready to strike at anything life throws my way. Instead, I walk with open palms – ready to catch all the pain that I want to mend with band aids and chocolates and glitters. I got blisters in return, sure. But just in case life decides to throw in a happy gift any time soon, I know I am sure to catch it.