I Need a Sunflower (Thoughts on 26)

Did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it through the Milky Way to see the lights are faded
and that heaven is overrated?

It has been exactly a year last year when I went through a quarter-life crisis, as others call it. I question(ed) my purpose in life, my happiness, my work, my future. Talking to a lot of people my age, I realized I am not alone in this. Seems a lot are really going through the same thing, only not as vocal or as truthful as I am to admit it. It has been exactly a year, around midnight, at Coffee Bean Centris, when I asked a dear friend and mentor, “How am I to know what I am meant to do for the rest of my life?” In which he replied, “You’re young. Try everything that you want. From there, you’d know.”

That has been the sounding voice in my head as I quit my job, as I go through every possible direction. This year, I focused on, or rather, the universe threw me into one of the things I always wanted to try out. I’m into events now, and I love it! I love how I can be everything at once – a scriptwriter, talent scout, supplier scout, program manager, director, production assistant, stage manager, accounts manager, alalay, usherette. I feel important, useful, needed. I am using one of my core talents and somehow, it gives me complete happiness.

But magic does not always happen. My friends don’t get married all the time. A person can only celebrate his/her birthday once a year. In other words, events come by, and so does money. If I keep on doing what I love to do without so much of financial returns, my family will starve. Idealistic vs. practical. At this age, doing what you love is a luxury. I have to be somewhere in between. I have to reach for the sun and its rays of light, but keep my feet rooted to the ground. That’s where the problem lies.

Did you fall for a shooting star,
One without a permanent scar
and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

So I guess, on with the next option. He told me to try everything, right? I don’t have to figure it out all at once. I still have many options to try until my heart rests on what feels is right.

If only the world would stop turning. If only time would stop counting, for me, until I find out what I am looking for or fulfill what I really really ought to be doing. I don’t want to see pictures of my batchmates getting married, having two kids, and make it seem that they’ve got life figured out already. I don’t want to see their achievements plastered all over social media. I really am happy for you all. Obviously, it’s not you. It’s me. Your happy life is rubbing on my loser life. It’s great that you already have partners and kids. A shooting star, as you would call it. Not perfect, full of scars, but yours and yours alone. It’s bad that I don’t. I can’t even figure out myself to begin with, let alone figure out how another human being operates.

Did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance to dance along in the light of day
and head back to the Milky Way?

I am back in this atmosphere. I tried to reach for the sun and went back to square one – to where it all started. After a year, I was back in Coffee Bean Shangri-la, telling my story of adventure to expecting faces I have seen a year ago. I did it, but the sun is not enough. The lights are amazing, but I am tired of dancing with them. I was caught up by the whirlwind of stress and things-to-do and excitement of making memorable events happen. I need to get back there, however. Find a star. Get back on earth. Find my star. Fail. Find my star and follow it.

Did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find?
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

I was blown away. It wasn’t everything, you’re right. There’s something more. I love it, but if something is lacking, then it’s not it. Yes, I missed You. It took all of my time that sometimes I forget. I forgot to bring You along. That You are part of my happiness. You are my happiness. If my heart rests on You, then this journey is worth taking. The next time I head off to explore the universe to find myself, I am bringing You with me, and a sunflower.

Plain ol’ Jane
Told a story about a girl who was too afraid to fly so she never did land

I don’t want to be that girl.


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